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AMERICAN LIFE
The Saw That Almost Split The Family
How a ten-inch band saw almost ruined my family
It was your everyday Wednesday. I was lying in bed, thinking of the times gone by, when I saw an email come in on my phone from my octogenarian father. The subject line said “answer back as soon as possible.” I knew this would be coming and decided not to read it right away. My father is Chaos 2.0, and I wasn’t yet ready for drama class.
Last week, at Dunkin’ with my kids, he asked the entire staff if they offered free refills on drinks. With an ear up to the first young staff member’s mouth, he couldn’t hear him say no refills, which is the most devastating thing you could say to my father. My mother said he even asks retailers if they give a military discount.
Once a week for breakfast, my father and his friend Stevie go to Wendy’s and then out for the day. It’s a dollar for a biscuit sandwich there, plus all the drink refills you want. Stevie has a million dollars in the bank, he told my father, who, after about ten refills, spends half the day peeing in random public bathrooms in Massachusetts.
When I finally decided to read the email, a dark cloud of annoyance descended upon me. It was about the goddamn ten-inch band saw. My brother, Joe, and my father had been at odds over…
